La Mer
by DarkDanny
Summary: Wars don't end with the participants unscathed and everything and everyone aren't changed irreperably. Why would the war against the Reapers be any different?


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 **Chapter One: The New Reality**

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 _And when the day arrives_  
 _I'll become the sky_  
 _And I'll become the sea_

 _And the sea will come to kiss me_  
 _For I am going h_ _ome_

 _Nothing can stop me now_

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 _For the first time since the Reapers hit Earth, Commander John Shepard was at peace._

 _It wasn't a peaceful sort of peace which he felt. He had stumbled out of the wreckage of the Mako that had nearly crushed him, bleeding, his armour torn to shreds by the point blank attack he endured. He was dazed as Harbinger roared over them, having taken a personal interest in seeing to Shepard's death. No, for him peace came in a different incantation._

 _Peace had come to him in the form of acceptance._

 _He knew he was going to die, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was ready to face it, perhaps he would do so a little braver then the first time he had. Last time it didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. As terrifying as it had seemed, it really wasn't. His eyes grew too heavy for him to keep them open, and he just sort of drifted off to sleep, Cliché perhaps, but that was how it happened for him, and it wasn't as fear inducing as he thought it was. It was like slipping under the waves of a sea._

 _Still, he supposed there was a vast different between dying in the quiet of space compared to being torn to shreds by a Dreadnought class Reaper gunning specifically for him. But, considering everything he had done to the Reapers, some blow back was to be expected. Billions had paid their lives to combat these machines. Why should he be any different?_

 _The only thing that prickled his peace was the quarian moaning, slumped weakly in his arms, her legs barely working. Through his own pain he carefully lifted Tali'Zorah out of the wreckage and guided her towards the Normandy which he had called down for an emergency landing. He could hear the sound of her Khellish suit warnings blaring to her through the massive crack that split through the faceplate of her mask. A few paces in front of them was Kaiden Alenko, his rifle raised as he covered the two of them._

 _As he led her through the noise and fire towards the Normandy, he wished she could have had so much more then she had. More then what he could ever give her. For a while now, he knew this was going to be how it would all end for him – and by extension, for them. He was a dead man still breathing, and to leave her clinging onto the delusion that he was coming back was an aberrationally cruel act to commit against a woman held with a love he never felt for anyone before._

 _As the gangway of the Normandy opened a squad of marines stepped out to provide cover fire for them, Alenko was the first man up. He turned back to the Commander, and looked at him dead in the eyes. It took less than a moment to understand what it was Shepard was about to do. Shepard watched as Kaidan eyes filled with a mist, the corner of his mouth twitching as he struggled to keep his composure locked. Although they had their differences for a while, Alenko had been with him since the beginning. They were friends, and to know that they were now the end of their road, it remained hard for both men to express anything beyond a smile grin Shepard provided him in spite of everything._

" _Here," Shepard said finally, breaking Tali's tight grip on him and carefully pushed her out to Kaiden. "Take her; get her to Doctor Michel… Kaiden, it's been a real honour."_

 _Unable to form coherent words, Kaiden could only nod and ignoring Tali's struggle, he pulled the wounded quarian into his arms, holding her in place. He stepped back and ignored the lurching horrible sensation building in the pit of his stomach as he watched Tali look at him as though she was being betrayed._

" _W-What are you doing, Shepard?" Tali demanded, her voice struggling to even form a basic question._

" _I have to see this through now, Tali," Shepard reminded her, standing nearly at a state of attention to keep himself as professional as he could. "But I can't bring you along this time. This is on me."_

 _The implications hit the quarian hard. She gasped out and choked back a sob. In spite of her grievous injuries, she managed to struggle hard against Alenko. It took the Spectre wrapping both his arms around her waist and his feet spread out to keep her from wriggling out to join him once again. John could not help but be awed by the display of loyalty, and the strength she had. He had watched her grow from a spunky girl on a pilgrimage to a strong and capable woman, whom he came to love. He was honoured to have bared witness to it._

 _Inwardly Shepard felt a small elation. He knew that no matter what happened in the next few hours, she would be okay._

" _I can come with you," she protested without pause. "I can still help you. Please let me help you! I can do this; you know I can do this!"_

 _She was deluding herself. He knew, she knew it, Alenko knew, the Marines pretending not to be paying attention to any of this knew it. Bowing his head in shame and exhaling, John stepped forward onto the gangway. He reached out and wrapped his hand around the side of her helmet. He looked through the crack in her faceplate and took a small comfort in seeing the corner of her eye, some skin which he caressed only a few hours ago. It was a small blessing._

" _I know, and you can still help me, Tali," Shepard stated as he spoke lowly for her. "I need you to survive for me. I need to know one good thing survives all of this, and for me, you're it."_

 _Shepard fell silent and glanced in the direction of Harbinger looming closer and closer to the portal gate. He turned back to Tali._

" _I wanted always the best for you… and I wanted to live that dream with you," he pressed on, ignoring her soft pleasing to the best of his ability. "But that's all it was… just a dream; and now it's time for us both to wake up. So I need to finish this, and you need to go, go back to Rannoch, build yourself home, and live for yourself."_

 _It was the hardest thing to do: releasing a woman he loved back to a life that did not involve him. It was for the best, but that didn't make it any easier for him. It ripped his peace up as the reality of what was to happen overwhelm him._

" _But-But I have a home…" she breathed back, unable to accept what he was doing._

 _In spite of the physical and emotional pain coursing him, he smiled and took one step back off the gangway and back into the rubble. It already felt like he was kilometres away from her._

" _I'll always love you, Tali'Zorah… and we'll see each other when you're ready," he gently promised her._

" _Please, John… please don't leave me," She begged him, the dams were broken, he could hear her weeping._

 _Shepard remained in place as Kaiden looked his way once again. Reluctantly, Shepard steeled his will and nodded to him, and with the silent order given. He watched as Tali was led away into the ship, the gangway raising up, leaving Shepard alone on the battlefield. He remained in place and watched as the Normandy ascended back into the sky._

 _Quietly, Shepard turned to the gateway only a few hundred metres away from him now. It was time to face his destiny._

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John opened his eyes from his the dream that had plagued him since he woke from his coma five months ago.

He supposed it wasn't a dream. It all had happened, but it was the same thing every night. The last thing he remembered of what happened during the Counterattack on Earth. It was the last hours of the Reaper War. He knew bits and pieces. That he activated the Crucible, that Admiral Anderson died at his own hand thanks to the Illusive Man. after that it, was all just blank for him. Everything else was a blur which he doubted would ever completely come back to him. He did not know and he did not care anymore either.

There was a very important reason why that it was the same dream he had every night. It was a reason that he did everything in his own power to suppress to keep from breaking him.

It was the last time he saw _her_ alive.

When the Normandy returned to earth to find out he had survived, the Normandy crew immediately came to his hospital room to see him. In spite of the physical agony he was still in, he recalled being so ecstatic to see his friends, his family were alive. He thought maybe she was shadowing behind him, that she would come out and see him when she was sure he was alive. It was there that Garrus, Liara and Kaiden attempted to explain what had happened. That she was gone.

Between her injuries and his apparent death, she just didn't make it long after the Crucible fired. In Liara's choked out words, she said _'Tali decided to join you on the other side. She was ready to be with you.'_

It took a long time to accept this as the truth. To this day, he had difficulties trying to process the reality that a woman he wanted to share his life with was gone, and he was still alive. The first night in this new reality was… hard, to say the least. He's didn't care that the men and women he served with were watching. He remembered breaking down into a fury of rage and tears as this one final taunt Harbinger painted his new reality. The crew left, but Liara, Kaiden, Garrus and even Joker, who had lost EDI thanks to his decision, had stayed behind for the day and night, keeping him going in the face of this insurmountable grief he felt for the loss of her.

After all was said and done, everything he had fought for, to lose her in the hours following the end of the war. It was… hard to find a reason to keep going. But he did. It was like something was pushing him to not just take his life and join Tali in the great beyond. Perhaps it was guilt; living was a form of self-imposed purgatory for killing Tali –because that's what he did. He killed her.

He had killed her the moment he agreed to take her on as a crew member on the first Normandy. Not right away, but it was an inevitable death, fuelled by her unbelievable loyalty. It was a loyalty which remained strong even in the years following his first death. Strong enough to follow him into the employ of Cerberus, strong enough to form a romantic bond between two completely different races, foregoing the barriers and challenges the union presented. It was a loyalty that drove her to follow him into every battle he waged… a loyalty that killed her at the end of the war.

So yes, that was what fuelled his inability to just end it all. A self-perpetuating punishment for luring her out of her old life and hurdling into a life she shouldn't have lived in the first place. He would live out the rest of his days with this guilt hanging over him. Hating every moment he drew breath… and that was it. That was his new life.

And he hated every moment of it.

Reluctantly, he pulled himself out of bed, his hand rubbing his face as he stepped out in front of the window silently he watched the sunrise over the devastated Vancouver skyline. With the galaxy in a state of lawless chaos in the wake of the collapse of the Reaper campaign, he decided to get himself back on light duty. It would be a distraction, something to fill his time waiting to. He couldn't just sit around any longer stewing in his misery, so he decided to get back to his work.

He would be meeting Garrus today. Together Garrus was going to show him the wonderful turian tradition of enforcing marshal law with the turian military police sent to Earth to aid in the restoration of law and order to a planet in chaos. A sort of token of reaffirmed friendship between the two races having endured and survived an extinction event together, he supposed.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he a mild hope for today. Perhaps he would get lucky and get caught up in a firefight and die. When he died, and had to stand before whatever judge he faced, he would go out of his way to give a good word to the man or woman who gave him the mercy.

Whatever lay before him, it was time to greet another day.

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 **Had this story on my mind for a while now; I thought I'd throw it out there to see if there was any interest. Sort of a Pilot I guess. It isn't going to be a happy story, and I'm forgoing the fanservice ME3 extended end, but stick with it. I think you'll like what happens.**

 **Thanks for reading.**


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